The agony in my soul mirrors the seduction of my dormant purpose
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.br>
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine. A rage, the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge in the other.( Mary Shelley's Frankenstien)
I picture a world without war, a world without hate. And I can see us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes, that way if he doesn't like what you have to say, you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time"...(Fight Club)
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Plan to be spontaneous.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I wanted to get a new car for my boyfriend but no one wanted to trade
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."---
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but At the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exsist (The Usual Suspects)
A poet is someone who muddies thier own waters to make them appear deeper.
It's sad to fall asleep. It separates people. Even when you're sleeping together, you're all alone.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off
. The word good has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished.
Marla was like that cut on the roof of your mouth that would go away if you'd stop tonguing it, but you can't. (Fightclub)
Heroin - imagine the best orgasm you have ever had and multiply it by a thousand and you're still nowhere near it. (Trainspotting)
I arrived here on Aug. 8th, a little over a month and a half ago. So how is it gong? I can't say great, but better than Vegas. I love Michelle with all my heart but I was so over Vegas. I'm sure it would have been great if some of the variables had changed. Like if I had a car, if Jesse had never made it out there. Funny how you never know what what you don't need until you get.
In San Diego the air smells better, birds sing, dogs bark, and you walk in the sun instead of hide from it like nuclear fall out. Of course the cost of living is out of control, but you get what you pay for I suppose.
My transfer went through and I started back to work on Aug 28th. They don't give cost of living increses, though I think they should. Infact, I actually make less because I have to pay state income tax now (LV doesn't have any) and they contribute less to our 401ks for some reason
We've been staying with one of Jesse's friends and his 2 adolesent daughters. It's been Hell, I mean swell. I'm grateful to him for letting us hang out here, but I'm glad we found a place. We have bad credit and a pit bull, not your idea tenants. We finally found a landlord that doesn't care because he's in the process of selling. It's a three bedroom"fixer-upper" for $1050 a month. It looks like it used to be some kind of store front, it was built depression era and depressing it is. It has a great view and a big yard for Pebbles and the ;landlord doesn't care what we do it. Maybe I can make it cool but it's no North Park, my dream neighborhood. It's in Barrio Logan, about an hour from my work.
Mom sent me $1500 to help me get started, I have the greatest most wonderful Mom in the world. I told her that I will be the one to take care of her in her old age and that she would never, ever be in a nursing home. She has taken such good care of me, she has always been there no matter what.
Jesse is still acting up but I'm sleepy so I'll save that for later.
So what am I feeling right now?Every day my emotions change about everything, as if I have no control.I keep this Blog in an attempt to sort them out and make sense of it all.
Tomorrow Iím moving back to San Diego from Las Vegas.Jesse actually has a job waiting for him!What a shocker!It sounds like it could lead to good things for us.One of his best friends from childhood now runs the moving company that Jesse use to work for before he got sick.He said his job would be more administrative than labor.This partly because since the cancer and surgeries he canít do the same work he use to.His friend, Mark Pacheco, is at the helm of the family business and real estate investments.He lives here in Vegas.Jesse just found that out right before we were getting ready to leave.Mark said to go back to San Diego and help his brother, Tony, run the business.There may even be cheap housing in our future if it all works out.
My employment status is in question, but Iíll make the calls when I get there and keep calling until one of the warehouses take me.Robert is good contact as well.
I not worried about being sued by the Browns since I gave them the Repair letter; Iím also claiming that I was forced to move due to conditions.Marcyne said, ďMove out and weíll call it even!ĒThatís because I could sue her ass and win, if I wanted to stay in town.But I donít.
The thing that troubles me the most about this all is Michelle.I told her I got my transfer and that I was leaving in a week.She said she was coming by, but she didnít.Iíd like to bring her coffee table on my way out.Iíd like to say goodbye, but Iím afraid it will be too emotional.Iím afraid sheíll just be mad because Iím leaving, Iím afraid sheíll never want to speak to me again.
Vegas is her town, not mine.She has family here, friends, and a life.I hate the ugliness of this town.I hate the climate. I hate not having a car or a way to get even the most basic things one needs to survive.I hate that Jesse loses so much money in the slot machines.Things would have been different if I was able to bring my car as I planned.Jesse and Pebbles would have come with me, we could have found a better place, and I would not have stayed at Michelleís house for so long.However, that was not to be.
I donít know whatís going to happen to us.To say this move scares me is an understatement.Iím terrified.But as Mom always says, ďitís in Godís handsĒ
I wanted to send Jesse to San Diego with Renee and stay with Michelle.I said it would only be until my transfer went through.The reality was the transfer would never go through because I wasn't planning to go back.A way to break up that wasn't cold turkey.I told Michelle this but she didn't get it.She put the kibosh on his ride and never agreed to let me stay at her place again.
Now I'm stuck with him.I'm going back to San Diego because I can't stay here with his gambling, or this fucked up neighborhood.I have no choice.I can't afford to live on my own so if Michelle won't take me in I have to go with him.
I don't know what's going to happen in SD, I do know it won't be good.Jesse is a constant drain.He drains my money, my energy and my will to live.He says he's going to work for Tony when we get out there but he won't.I'm afraid he'll spend the money we have to get home and we'll be stuck here, with no place to live.Why do I keep letting him do this to me, why do I keep doing this to myself?
I donít know if Iím doing the right thing.I never know I hate making major life changing decisions; my record of accomplishment so far sucks.Moving back to the city where I went through so much shit is probably the wrong decision.
I liked staying with Michelle before Jesse go there, but I missed Jesse and Pebbles.Too bad Jesse and Pebbles are keeping me from the finer things in life. Not too many people will rent to someone with a dog, especially a dog over 25 lbs. who happens to be a pit bull.Theyíre discriminated against and it's a shame.They're such good dogs, so smart and loyal. I live in hat they call the ďwar zoneĒ of Las Vegas.A tough neighborhood, mostly African American, a lot of drugs and violence goes on out here.If I didnít have Pebbles, Iím sure they would have broken into my house a long time ago.This is the only time her bad reputation came in handy.
Jesse blows through money as if he has some.He only make $800 a month and tends to have it spent before he gets it, especially out here.Weíll spend $60 on party favors, but every time he parties, he goes to the casinos and blows a wad of cash on slot machines.Weíre always broke and never have any food in the house. Even if we had money for food, there are no grocery stores anywhere near here.It wouldnít be so bad living here if we had a car.
I have reserved the moving truck for Thursday.Itís costing me $190 not including gas, which is over $3 a gallon now.My transfer isnít confirmed but I have made a good contact thanks to Margaret.She introduced me to Robert, the regional manager who is from San Diego.He agreed to help me get in.The store I was working on turned out to be Union, I guess the switch from a non-union store to a union store is tricky, so heís going to get my paperwork and take it the Mission valley store for me. I was supposed to call today and follow up but Jesse used up all the cell phone minutes and gambled all the money we had for more time.
I gave Jesse my debit card to take out $40 to get phone time and something to eat. He came back with nothing talking about how heís going to sell his bike to make up for it. Either heís retarded or he just doesnít care.
Forgive me blogger for I have sinnedÖIt has been 8 months since my last confession.I look at my last entry; it has a list of seven goals I had set for myself.I achieved four out of seven, more than half.The ones I didn't accomplish were gather my belongings from Chicago and San Diego, and get another Ipod.
Las Vegas is not for me.It's so ugly.I have a job with excellent growth potential, benefits and will transfer me if I so desire.The cost of living here has just about caught up to San Diego.That was my reason for coming here.If I can take my good job to San Diego I might as well go back.At least SD is pretty to look at and it's not 110 degrees outside.Jesse is gambling too much, or I should say losing to much because it's not a gamble if you know how it's going to turn out.
There is a manager at my work, not from my dept., which is why it is so weird, that has it in for me.He hates me so much that he watches me all the time looking for some reason to write me up.He would love to see me fired.I do not know what I did to him but that does not matter.He is management and I am just a tool.If I stay, he will eventually get his way.I would like to stay with this company until I retire, so there is another reason to go.
My only problem is how to get there.I do not want to bring furniture, just leave with what I came with.My clothes, TV and of course, my laptop.Only now, we have pebbles.Pit bulls are too big to ride on trains or busses so we have to get a ride.That's only one obstacle, there's also getting out of LV with enough money for another apartment,coordinating my transfer with the time I'll be financially able to do this.This of course is anyone's guess.
I'll just do what I always do, dive in headfirst and see where I land.Planning never worked for me anyway.
The electricity was turned on Last Saturday, the third.Today I had enough of our house guests so I called Marcyne, told her I had the rent and that they refused to leave.Cliff came and made sure they moved their stuff or prepared it for removal first thing this morning.I donít like putting anyone out but the risks were too high and the rewards few.Everyday they took advantage a little more.I felt they were mistaken my kindness for weakness.It wasnít like I didnít warn them.I just found out they had been here for three months without paying rent.They said they would give us $20 a day but they didnít.They didnít even share toilet paper.
I paid rent but still havenít paid deposits.I still canít get a phone but once Kenny and Maria are gone for good Iíll get my DSL and look into vonage.
Cliff and I talked a lot about improvements.He said as long as I cleared it with him and saved receipts we could repair and deduct.Cool.I need a car so I can shop.Maybe things are looking up.
Marcyne paid us a visit on the first, not to drop off the lease, but to make arrangements to pick up her rent.I think she has a lot of nerve considering we still have no electricity.On the 1st, which was Wed. she assured us it would be fully functioning Thursday,but so far I have not seen any sign of that happening.
On Fri. Jan 27th, Cliffs electricians finished their work connecting the wires so a new meter could be installed.Cliff said a building inspector would be here Monday the 30th.He informed us that no one is supposed to be living here before it passes inspection and to make it look like the house is being used for storage and if asked, we were there to clean and paint.It never came to that because we never saw the inspectors.Cliff also told us that it could take 1 to 7 days before we had power.Itís been 7.
I took pictures and plan to take more of the condition of the house, since Marcyne is requesting substantial deposits for security, pet and cleaning totaling $1075.I havenít paid these yet because there has been no cleaning, no security, and the previous tenants owned several dogs whose damage is still prevalent through out the house.I asked her again for a copy of the lease but still havenít gotten it. Or a receipt for the money paid.
I still havenít persuaded the squatters that were never removed by the land lord before he forced me to move from the front house to this one because he wanted to begin renovating it.I donít know why he wonít start work on this one seeing how itís already rented.He said as soon as the power is on heíll begin repairs.
I tried to get a phone turned on but the phone company, Sprint, says that this address doesnít exist.At first they said the front house didnít exist either, but I got the parcel no. so they acknowledge it now, but not our house.I tried to get them to come out but they wouldnít send anyone to an address not in their system.Cliff said that when they finish the front house he would straighten everything out with the assessorís office then I should be able to get telephone service.I would like to just get broadband internet service and signup for Vonage phone service but I canít really do that with my ďsquattersĒ still here and without the power turned on. My ďpay as you goĒ cell phone is costing me a small fortune.So is not being able to store food.We use a hot plate sometimes but we canít buy things like meat, dairy etc.
I havenít seen rodents but their presence is obvious.Little holes chewed through my coffee packages and droppings here and there.Iíve seen roaches as well.The worst pests are the ones the crack head squatters draw.I have to get up and go to a very physical job every day.Iíve been working 6 days a week and itís hard when I canít sleep because of all the traffic they have.I went off several times but they just donít get it.Maria said her check is being re-routed from her old address; it should be here Monday or Tuesday.Marcyne said she thought they were gone and apologized.Itís not entirely her fault; I fell for their bullshit because I donít want to put anyone out on the street.If the tables were turned, would they do the same for people they didnít know? Let them stay in the place they just rented? I think not.At first they said theyíd pay us $50 a day, then $20.They gave us $30 once, $5 once or twice, $10 another time, shared with us the shit they get from various charity groups and so forth.Nothing that would compensate for the fact that I have to hide my valuables, Iím ashamed when co-workers drive me home, I canít have anyone visit me because of the drug dealing and crack heads lurking about. Theyíve barrowed money from Jesse too, Iím not sure how much.
I told them today that by Monday they have to be gone, check or no check because Iíve had it.I donít know what they do in the room and the house has no smoke detectors.The living room and kitchen is full of their crap.The broken window in our bedroom fell out probably because their ďcustomersĒ kept knocking on it.I swear Iím going to set booby-traps around this place.Lighting couldnít hurt either.
Marcyne said she is going to deposit Jesseís check through the ATM like I told her to do in the first place. It was for Januaryís pro-rated rent, plus $100.Iíve discussed my situation with people at work.Of course no one can believe what Iím going through,but most agree that I should not give them another penny until I have power, a copy of my lease, Iím able to get a phone, receive mail, have windows and doors that open and lock,a way to cook and store food, hot water,new or cleaned floors, a coat of paint, rid of pests, a roof that doesnít leak, heat, plumbing that works properly.
Iwant to believe that they are trying to fix things but I only see them work on the units they havenít rented.Iím going to pay rent, but not the deposits.I donít even know where the office is I should mail the money order to, (they donít accept checks)I have to wait for her to come get I suppose.
I saved some of the bones they found under the floor in the front house as souvenirs of Vegas.
I have to get this documented because when I look back and laughingly reminisce, anyone who wasnít there will think I embellished, used comedic irony to make the story more entertaining.But they would be wrong, this story is 100% true, no names have been changed.In fact nothing has been changed except my cynicism.It has become deeper if you can believe that.
Michelle had had all she could take of Jesse.I feel both of them so Iím stuck in the middle.The people closest to me in my life right now have no idea what compromise is.I saw it coming, I tried to get an apartment the day Jesse arrived but Michelle thought she could put up with Jesse and Pebbles for a month if I gave her the money I had intended to rent the apartment with so she could pay her rent even though I pissed away $30 on the credit check.
Michelle couldnít hang and to be honest If I were her, I couldnít either.I have been put in the position where an intolerable house guest(s) turn into unbearable roommates more times than I care to admit.Jesseís disregard for anyone other than himself almost cost our friendship.All she asked was that he not leave his bike outside or throw cigarette butts on her porch, of course he did both every chance he got.
Karma can be a bitch and a good teacher.Heís had 3 bikes ripped off since we moved here.What sucks is this; his bad Karma bites me in the ass all the time!Why should I try to be a good person?You can lead a good, moral, righteous life just to have someone elseís ďKarmaĒ get you in the end!This leads me to believe that itís not all itís cracked up to be.
Jesse found this place riding back from Charles house.Charles was keeping Pebbles for us because Michelle got a letter from the apartment management saying neighbors complained that she had a large dog in her apartment.Since she did not have a pet agreement with them she could be evicted.Even if she wanted to make an agreement it wouldnít be possible because pit bulls are not allowed there ever.We paid Charles $100 to keep Pebbles for 1 week.We would still supply her food; the money was just for walking her, etc.It was a much better arrangement than the kennel Michelle originally wanted to put her in.Pebbles is like our child, and parents do not lock their children in little cages when they go away for a week.
We were going to move into this hotel like complex our friend Robby just moved into.It was a little far from my work but it was cash and carry, no lease $600 a month includes utilities and local phone.Unfortunately they didnít allow pets.There are a lot of nice complexes and Iím sure I could have found something more suitable had I more time and transportation.Jesse found 3.I was hoping for something with amenities but we had a deadline,Jan. 11th was moving day, even if we were moving to a flea bag weekly.
I would have liked to have moved into this German ladyís guest house but she wanted $1400 up front to move in.Jesseís check was late so she rented to someone else.We later found out that his check was here Michelle just hadnít given it to us.Marcyne and Cliff however were very understanding, and accommodating.The 1 bedroom we originally were interested in needed to be completely gutted.Previous owners had poured concrete over the wood foundation of the house.From floor to ceiling was only about 7 feet, I didnít really care for it, too ďcozyĒ for me.The house I wanted to rent, the one Cliff referred to as ďmore livableĒ had problems as well.First, previous occupants had been stealing electricity; Nevada Power came and removed the meter.That didnít stop tem though, they hotwired directly from the power lines.NP came and disconnected the house from the main power lines.Another major problem it has are pests.Not roaches or rats, The kind that deal crack out of the bedroom window.ďBuddhaĒ and Maria.Marcyne and Cliff said they were fixing up the inside; they sort of came with the house and were working in exchange for letting them stay.They have been staying there for months without heat or electricity, or even keys. My first impression was that they were employees of sorts.Iíve watched many home improvement and decorating shows, HGTV, Martha Stewart, etc.I have yet to see a feature on ďCrack Head Home MakeoversĒ.For good reason I suspect.
We needed to move in immediately, or get something else.The Browns seemed to want us as tenants real bad.I suspect because I am white and I have an actual job, 2 things you donít find in this neighborhood at all.She offered to put us up in a studio that was ready for occupancy now for a day or two until they got the power fixed.It would be no more than a week tops.We were desperate, so we agreed.Unfortunately, when we went to meet her husband at the house there was someone there interested in the studio, and he ended up taking it.Marcyne said we could still work something out.Cliff could run an extension cord from the little house to ours to tide us over until the power is restored.Of course we couldnít cook, or have hot water, or heat, but Cliff brought a space heater.Again, we were desperate, we said sure.We agreed to meet that evening, that we would have rent for the month as well as our belongings ready to move in.
We arrived early so we unloaded our things off the truck so the driver could leave.We had abouta Ĺhour before they were to be there.We learned a lot in that time.Several people approached us asking us for money, cigarettes, trying to sell us crack, and smoke crack with us for a place to stay, whatever.I hate everything about crack.I hate the people who sell it, the people who use it, I hate what it does to people and communities.No drug has the debilitating effect that crack does.And what people see in it I will never understand.I do not judge people for recreational drug use, but crack is not recreation.Itís desecration. I havenít seen that shit since I left Chicago, and was hoping I never would.
While we waited for Marcyne, who was 25 minutes late we noticed a stream of people walk up to one of the windows of our ďwould beĒ house.They gave theyíre money and got their dope.If crack heads had cars it would be a drive thru.When the landlords pulled up in a white town car I first thought they were police and I was going to be hassled for being white in ďCrack AlleyĒ.Thatís a crime in Chicago.I was wondering if the Browns would show up before they hauled me off.Jesse was at Charlesí picking up pebbles and calling them to make sure they didnít forget about us.I was relieved it wasnít cops, at that particular moment.Now I want them here as much as possible, 24/7 would be great!
When she let us into our very dark home we found their crack renovating team still occupying the house.Since we needed light to see the lease forms anyway weíd just go into the front house for now.It was going on when we finished with paperwork.We were hoping to get a break seeing how there was no way to get power but she assured us someone would be out the next day and it should be fixed.She prorated us the (for $675 monthly rent of the 2 bedroom) in addition to a $675 security deposit, a $200 cleaning deposit, a $200 pet deposit, and a $25 key deposit.Cliff said that he misunderstood and told the couple we were moving in the next day and if we could stay in the front house rather than put them out at such a late hour, we agreed.We gave Marcyne a check for $525, agreeing to pay the rest, to be completely caught up with deposits and Feb. rent by Feb. 5th.She said she would bring us by a copy of the lease and keys the following day.She didnít have keys on her because her locksmith was ill.
The next day I had to work, There was no water in the house we were ďcamping outĒ in making it very inconvenient.The place was filthy and cold.They had started tearing up the concrete in the bedroom, there were holes in the wall as well.The space heater was of some help but the place was so drafty.We cuddled with the dog for warmth.But it was only for one night.WRONG!Two days later and no signs of the ďelectricianĒ they said they contracted to finish the job.The Browns asked if we wouldnít mind toughing it out a day or two more, theyíd rather us use the electric than their ďworkersĒ who werenít paying rent.We felt obligated to comply.
Jan. 17th, 2006Luckily, I was off that day.I was sleeping when cliff came to the door with 3 contractors.They were there to gut the place.He needed us to move into our house now.We got an extension cord from the couple living in our house because there was still no power, no stove, no hot water, no heat.We didnít even get a key until the next day.The contractors kept unplugging our ďlifelineĒ so cliff also gave Jesse a key to that place.Temperatures at nigh have been below freezing with strong wind advisories all week, if that cord became unplugged we could freeze.I asked Marcyne for a copy of the lease so I could get a telephone, bank account and hopefully utilities one day.She said she would send it the next day with Cliff.
The ďworkersĒ and Jesse became acquainted seeing how they were living in the house we were paying rent for.They didnít seem like bad people and offered us $50 a day to let them stay until Feb. 3rd when Maria got her welfare check and housing.We didnít have any money, we were starving and at this time we thought they were employees to a certain extent, of the landlord. They knew everyone in the neighborhood, and seemed well liked.I didnít know that the reason they were so well known was because they were crack dealers and my potential home was ďthe spotĒ.The Browns made no effort to warn us of this, nor did they make any genuine effort to have them removed.We told them they had to go but they refuse.
I noticed a squad car and a police officer talking with Cliff and grabbed the opportunity to be heard.I told him, within earshot of the policeman, that I told them that Cliff was aware of what has been going on and that he suspects we were now a part of it because we let them stay, that Cliff now wants us all to go.I asked Cliff if he would back me up with this story, that way Iím not the villain and maybe no harm would come to me because of this.He agreed.He also mentioned that he considered just clearing everybody out so he could refurbish the inside.I should have gone off but I didnít.He had his own problems; they found bones under the concrete floor they ripped up.Marcyne told Jesse she was unable to cash the check he signed over to her.I told her she could deposit but to cash it Jesse would have to be present.We still have no copy of the lease agreement.There hasnít been any sign of an electrician.I asked if she would consider waiving the pet and cleaning deposit because the inside is filthy.I canít even clean it myself because thereís no water, just a cold trickle from the faucets. She refused saying she told us it wouldnít be ready for a week but we wanted to move in right away.Itís been almost 2 weeks and they havenít even managed to clean out the old tenants!
I had promised to give her more money towards the balance we owe on deposits, I always keep my word except when the other party does not live up to their end of the bargain. I am playing this by ear.I will more than happy to tear up the lease, take the check back move somewhere else and forget the whole thing ever happened.What I will not do is pay another cent to live in a house that is uninhabitable that I am forced to share with people I donít know because Iím in fear of retaliation of the crack head community.If the dope fiends donít rob me blind or worse, thereís also the threat of any day being raidedby local law enforcement and losing what little I do have because of what goes on in the other room that I have no control over.I have no ally in this battle whatsoever.
It has been 10 days since we signed the lease.Since then all I get is excuses.They used to act so appreciative, now it seems they either donít want us here.I personally donít want to be here.It would be a hassle to move being new in town I donít know anyone to help me so I have to hire someone.And the house hunting is never fun, but Iím willing.Anything to be out of this limbo Iím in right now.
I canít get a phone line because the only phone Co. in Vegas, Sprint, says this address doesn't exist. I can't get Voip because there's no 911 service to this address from the phone co. There's other phone companies in the phone book but they all use Sprint's lines. There's a phone network box by the electric meter, someone had service here at one time. I asked if they could just send someone out but they won't dispatch to an address that doesn't exist.
The house doesnít have any electric lines going to it. And so on, and so on.I will be taking digital pictures to back up these statements.This is the first installment of the journal I will be keeping regarding this situation for as long as I reside here.
I got a lot of hours this week but since I didnít work all year until August I still should be eligible for the EIC when I file my taxes.Hereís a touch of irony, the EIC is for people who earn income but not enough to survive.Iím going to use it to pay back taxes on the unemployment I collected, which also was not enough to survive, but taxed none the less.Thank you President Bush, you bastard!
If I were responsible, I would call the IRS before they garnish my wages.Employers frown on that.Thatís part of the reason I was fired from P&G, a small part.Kindling on a smoldering fire.
I really would like to check out some of the Halloween festivities here in vegas.There are some awesome parties advertised in the entertainment weeklys that Michelle brings home.Hereís some more irony.When we were back in Chicago, and I was a coke dealer my work kept me from enjoying a lot of the social events.I had to be available and easy to find if I were to make money.Drug addicts arenít going to buy a ticket to a show or pay a cover charge just to buy coke from me.If rent or utilities were due I had to stay home to make the money.To hear Michelle tell it, she had to drag me out of the house, which was true but not for the reasons she conveyed.It was to complicated to explain to herhow much it actually cost me to have an evening out.Drinks, cabs, the coke I couldnít sell, the coke we would do, each night out ran me into the hundreds.It wasnít that I didnít want to have fun it was just fucking expensive
Hereís where the irony comes in.I am no longer a drug dealer, havenít been for a long time.One of the expectations I had when I decided to come here was that I might actually have a life again.Iíve only been out one time in the 3 months Iíve been here..
Michelle never wants to go out.She only goes to work when her rent is a week past due or gets a disconnect notice on a utility.Infact she only gets out of bed if she has dope no matter how badly she needs to work.
I get so annoyed when Iím living with someone who canít get out of bed or roll off the couch when Iím dragging my ass to work everyday.Not so much by Jesse because he brought in almost as much as me and I liked having him home to take care of the dog, etc.
Michelle can be the most giving, accommodating, helpful, understanding person you could ever meet.Then thereís her dark side.The one that stays in bed for 4 or 5 days straight, but gets up every three hours to go into the kitchen, look for food that isnít there then give me looks and attitude like itís all my fault.Iíve given her between four and five hundred dollars each month Iíve been here.Aside from that I would spend another $100 or so on groceries or stuff we needed for the house.Her rent is only $755 which she would have to pay if I were here or not.I only call Jesse once a week and talk for about 15 minutes.I call mom one or twice a month, but she makes me hang up and calls me back.Iíve increasedis the electric I admit, but Iíve paid it too.My mom has sent three checks for $300 made out to her and I never asked for or received and part of them either.We would buy a sixteenth right after the check was cashed, I would get half of that.
Momís first check she used towards rent, the second she paid the electric and bought groceries, totally cool.
I got my 1 month review at Costco today.No biggie, they have to make sure that you donít get too full of yourself.Every person in every situation of my life has always made sure of that, so Iím used to it.
I donít know what you call it, if it is a form of denial, insenstivity, cynicism, or just the foolish notion that maybe someone, somewhere might be genuine.Iím not.I havenít been for some time.I canít tell you when I lost faith in mankind, only that I have.
I know the only reason Michelle wanted me to come to vegas is because she canít cover the bills.I gave her $300.00 in August, (Mom did)I gave he $500.00 inSept., and $500.00 if October.Not to mention she took my $70.00 bottle of chanel and my $80.00 boots that I wor only once to the HIM show.She said she only wore them for a half hour because they were too tight, but she hasnít brought them back.She probably wonít.I saw the bottle of my perfume, itís practically empty.
Michelle is suspicious of everything and everyone.She finds conspiracy in everything.She got stomach flu one time but to hear her tell it her mother poisonedher.To say sheís paranoid would be an understatement.When people think everyone is out to get them, or cheat them or hurt them, are suffering from guilt.Their lack of empathy or doesnít allow their conscience to react morally so they rationalize their selfishness with entitlement.When they burn someone itís not wrong.They just did it before it was done to them.I sure Micelle thinks that I owe her everything I have and more.
Itís not fun here.I know now why what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.Who the fuck would want to bring this shit home with them. It is really raunchy.I guess I needed this to appreciate San Diego.I canít believe Iím saying this, but that place really grew on me.I no longer have the desire to go back to Chicago at all.The only thing that keeps me going is the thought that if I fly right, work hard, do good at Costco, I might be able to get a transfer somewhere down the line.Maybe the house that Jesseís uncle is building to rent isnít bullshit.Maybe he will rent to us, and maybe heíll have it done in a year.May be I just needed to get away long enough to this out the herd of undesireables that sucked the life and everything else out us.We moved 5 times in San Diego but the leeches always found us, and bring more leeches until we were completely consumed.
I just want to meet someone who wants my company, nothing else.Someone that doesnít want anything from me at all.Iíd like to find a friend like me only better, because I can be needy.